I had a nightmare last night.

I dreamed that I went to the hospital for stomach cramps and came home with a baby. I've been watching too much "I didn't know I was pregnant"

That show scares the shit out of me. Like for real.

Aren't I just tardy to the party?!

Sorry so long between updates, I have a life to get together. 

School is ok this semester, I am very confident that I will make great grades. 

My stepdads cancer is progressing well, he has a scan on the 14th to see if his tumors have shrank any. 

My 23rd Birthday is on the 14th as well yay!!

Me and M are getting along this week. Why do I put myself through this emotional rollercoaster....

More in the AM, I'm tired!

Well DAMN!

It's currently 1:55pm and it is pitch black in my house. Our power is on, but it's so cloudy that it looks like 2:00 am instead of 2:00 pm. I wanna know what us Louisvillians have done to piss off Mother Nature in the last year. 

Sept. 14 of last year, we had a windstorm that knocked power out for weeks.

Jan. 27-30 of this year, we had an ice storm that knocked out power for weeks. 

Now it's a rain storm. 

Anyway, life is ok right now. Summer session 2 is almost over, I'm employed and I am getting rid of a lot of negative things in my life.

Starting with M. 

I can't do it anymore. I can't be with someone who doesn't appreicate me. I have tried so hard to make him see that I am where he needs to be but if he can't see that for himself, it's a waste of my time. I can do so much better. 

I always give my friends advice about how to stop letting their men run over them, but I can't put that into practice for myself. I keep saying "He will come around" but he won't. 

I have a busy schedule this semester and I can't afford to let him distract me like he did last time. 

So I gotta be a woman and let it go.

Cancer, group projects, unemployment oh my!

So now the stepdaddy has cancer. And he's acting a fool. He doesn't want to go through with the treatment. It's stressing mama out. I feel bad more for her because I HATE how he treats her. 

They were on the rocks before all of this came out and now this has hit us like a ton of bricks. 

I feel bad for him, but I hate that he treats the only person who really cares (mama) like shit. 

IDK what to do. 

Pray for our family. 

In other words, school is still weak, I quit the bank and now i'm looking for a part time hustle that will work with me while school is in. I'm still at Old Navy, but I wanna try something new. I have job ADD.

sex...Sex...SEX!!!

Sex is soooooo great when done correctly. And when it comes in multiples ;-)

I just had the most sensual, freaky, beautiful sexual experience! It was all of that and then some!

I felt sexy, pretty, adored and wanted. And now I'm sleepy lol. 

I need to get back downstairs but I just had to write about this while the Mr. took his nap. He's waking back up at midnight. And I DO mean that!

I need some single friends!!!

All my damn friends are married or getting there, and I need some new single bishes to chat with. 

I'm 22. I'm still in college. I don't wanna get hitched no time soon. So why these broads keep pressuring me to find a husband? 

Stop the insanity!!!!!

Help me out here!!!

One More Thought...

FUKK THE LAKERS!!! DAMMIT!!!!!!

I so sorry!!!

It's been a while...I've been soooo busy with these two (well, one now) jobs and this KILLER Anatomy class. But here are a few updates.

1. I got a relaxer. I'm sorry, but the Louisville heat did not work with my natural hair. I'll try the natural again when I get some more length. I couldn't deal!!

2. M came back and we arw working on things. I guess.

3. My mother is about to make me LOSE MY MIND!

4. I quit Old Navy, they were trying to kill me. But I did get some flip flops and some cute clothes out of it

5. I'm really trying to stop dealing with a lot of people/things. I'm growing up and I am trying to start my life on the right foot.

6. I don't think I can graduate till December 2010. Oh well.

That's all for now. I just took my anatomy final and I'm about to SLEEP!

It's been a while. I moved and my internet isn't up yet. Shit's crazy but i'll tell all about it soon. Love you all!

My NBA Finals predictions...

Nuggets in 7

Magic in 6

Winner: Nuggets in 7


I REFUSE to be a LBJ penis rider!

my week in review...

so things started out kinda sucky this week with M and I having our little blow up. i was really down about it for all of a day, then i woke up and realized nothing changed. he was never here so why should i be upset. i can do a lot better. he was never here for me. all of my feelings were going towards someone who would NEVER feel the same way about me. NEVER. i can't blame him, he;s young and wants to have fun. i've been there and done that, all that wils hit is old to me. but leaving him alone has taken a huge weight off of my shoulders. i no longer think about who he's with or what he's doing constanly. i can work on figuring out what makes me happy. i'm getting back into volunteer work. i'm going hard on my fitness. i'm going hard with school and work. i'm doing B. and i like it like that.

but the week looked up once i found out that i got a 1500 dollar scholarship for summer school. now everything is paid for. a huge weight off my chest. HUGE weight.

so just when you think things can't get any worse, you have a breakthrough and it's all worth it.

kisses

natural journey #2

this is a better pic of my knot out

my natural journey #2

so i just put all my hair up into bantu knots. i will take pics and share when i take them out. pray that they look cute!

I got DUMPED pt. 2

So I'm ok with the situation. It's for the best. I was struggling with being in a long distance relationship. But I guess it just hit me like a ton of bricks to hear him say that it needed to be over. He was real cool about it though, and he kept saying it would be better for me to be mad now than later. 

The person doing the dumping always says that shit. The person getting dumped don't wanna hear that shit sometimes. 

But anyways, I hope he's happy and he enjoys the single life in Cali. I know if it were me, I wouldn't want a dude in KY waiting on me. We're still friends, and I'm going to visit him possibly during fall break. He just said he didn't want to do his thing and be labeled a cheater when he could just be honest. 

I guess. 

I still miss him. 

I got DUMPED!

M just pretty much told me that it was over. He's leaving to go back to Cali tomorrow. I'm sad. More later...

update 10:35 pm

M is on a plane right now to come home. Maybe I'll have something good to say in the AM. kisses

updates...updates...updates

So I have finally recovered from the semester that was Spring 09.

Full of fukkery is how I like to describe it. But oh well. I did ok, and I am starting summer classes next tuesday. I had to take a break from the computer for a few days so that's why I haven't updated.

Hmm...how can I update in a concise fashion...?

Me and M are kinda ugh right now. I'm kinda over the long distance thing. I could deal more if he made more of an effort to be in touch with me. I'm tired of giving 90% and him giving 10%. I really really care for him, but I can't be alone in the relationship. He's too secretive for me. He can't give me a straight answer when I ask what he's been up to, how is his week going, just simple shit. I'm trying to be somewhat involved in his life, and it seems like he doesn't want me there. So we will see. I'm just tired of feeling alone. 

My old flame from 2005-06 is coming hime for the summer. K is a lil younger than me and I haven't seen him in 3 years! When he left, he was 18 and I was turning 20. Now he's 21 and I'm going on 23. I bet he has some grown man parts that I need to inspect. We've both learned a lot in the past three years and I'm about to make him take a test so I can see how much he has improved.

I got a side job, I'm a slave @ Old Navy for now. I have to find a replacement for the bank because next semester I have a class that I need to take at night and I KNOW the bank will not work with me. 

Oh well, I guess i'll rest up till my schedule gets crazy again. Kisses!

white sugar...

These three do it for me... Robin Thicke, Nick Lachey and Justin Chambers....Lawd fan me!

Flashback from 10 years back...

...be back when finals are over....enjoy for now

Slob on my Knob....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-K1mk5q9Ew

fighting over strawberry cake. smh

should I feel bad about this situation?

Yesterday I made a strawberry cake and I took what was left of it to work tonight. When I walked in I told everyone that I had cake in our fridge and to get a piece. It was maybe half of an 8 by 11 or whatever pan. 

The ninjas snapped that cake up fast. I didn't even get a piece. I can't blame them, it was good cake.

This lady who works with us didn't get any, and she walked up to me redfaced, with her finger in my face yelling saying that yesterday was her b-day, and she didn't get any cake.

Mind you, I hardly ever interact with the lady, and I really don't like her. And it's not like we have a birthday board so i could see when everyones birthday is. 

I told her to put that finger down, and that I made the offer to everyone and she should've got her piece early, instead of waiting till after everyone had eaten lunch and got their cake. I'm not the resident chef up in there, i was just being nice because my family would've wasted it. 

Am I wrong for not feeling bad about her not getting any cake?

My name isn't Kroger, Wal-Mart or Publix. So why I am I responsible for the birthday cakes?

my natural hair journey...

So I haven't had a relaxer in almost three months. The last time I got one, I had so many scabs left in my head that I was picking them out till the first of April. So I am going to embrace my natural texture. Or at least try.

My cousin put a relaxer in my hair against my mothers wishes when I was 5. My hair has never been the same. 

Here's a pic of my head now, almost three months in.  Don't laugh. If you all know of some good products, let me know. And if you know of some good blogs about natural hair drop it in my comment box. I need help...and some patience!!!

Pray for me...finals start next week. Jesus be some time management skills!

thumbs down 4 baby showers...

ok i'm kidding. i really like baby showers. but i went to my cousins shower yesterday, and those lil girls were killin me. i was the only person over 21 there, besides me aunt and uncle and a few other family members, and I was damn near the only "not pregnant" chick there! 

something must be in the water. 

I'll be down until finals are over. Jesus be some time management skills.

Am I Wrong?

...because i REFUSE to live with a man that I am not engaged/married to?

...because i REFUSE to have children before I am married?

...because i REFUSE to settle for less than I deserve in a man?

...because i REFUSE to become a product of my environment?

...because i REFUSE to change who I am for ANYONE?

loving myself...

i'm trying to learn how to love every little part of britt. i understand the idea that no one can love and respect me, until i learn to love and respect myself. that mean accepting my flaws, and working hard to eliminate the ones i can (weight, outer apperance). no one is perfect, but you can try put your best foot forward when you can. 

i used to wish i was smaller, prettier, smarter, more outgoing...the list goes on. 

but i had to realize that there was only [one] me for a reason. 

i mean, who else knows all the books of the bible, all the words to any TI, Master P and Jay-Z song, can cook a good meal, tell you all of the symptoms of a bi-polar person and do the stanky leg all at once??

everyone is special in their own way. embrace you. love you. when you have that confident glow coming from you as you walk down the street people take notice. 

love yourself...

Paula Patton...watch your husband....

....cuz he's coming to my town on May 13th! 

I STANS for Robin Thicke! Like if I had to build the perfect man, he would look just like him. He is adorable! I have lusted after him since "Brand New Jones" when he had long hair and was kinda filthy looking. So all I gotta say is..

Paula let this be a warning.

Don't leave ya man around me, true playa for real, ask my mommy! - BIG, revised by me!

breakthrough

Remember those walls I built
Well, baby they're tumbling down
And they didn't even put up a fight
They didn't even make up a sound

I found a way to let you in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of your halo
I got my angel now

It's like I've been awakened
Every rule I had you breakin'
It's the risk that I'm takin'
I ain't never gonna shut you out

Everywhere I'm looking now
I'm surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more
It's written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

Now I normally don't rock with B like that but I heard this on the way home from work and I had to write about it. And I am tired as hell, so excuse me if I ramble.

I'm feeling this way about "M" now...a little. My walls haven't completly fallen just yet, but I can see a few cracks. I kinda think of him when I plan my future, I wonder where he is going to be in a few years once I finish grad school. I hate so much that he is out of the country, but he will be back in the states in 2 weeks! Now we can talk on the phone for free!!

But I feel different about him. I feel like I like him on some grown up shit. I'm accepting his flaws, and I feel much more comfortable around him.

Maybe it's me, maybe it's him. 

IDK. I just open up to him more and more each day, and I can tell he is slowly letting me into his circle. 

God I don't wanna get hurt again. 

But these walls are slowly chipping away...

he can't love you...

i listen to my friends stories, and think about things that i've been through and feel like a dumbass at times. why do we as women, let men determine how we feel about ourselves at times?

i say this because i think about how a comment from a guy has made me go into starvation mode if he says i'm getting fat, or if a man didn't call me when he said he would i have lost my mind a few times and stooped down to the lowest of levels to see where he is spending his time. 

i feel like, if a man isn't doing his best to include you in his life, and isn't making an honest effort to be honest about where the two of you stand...why waste your time?

i'm only 22 but i've been through a lot. i'm tired of playing games with boys. seriously. 

think about it. if a man is doing things to you that you would never do to anyone else (be honest with yourself), then you don't need to be there. if he is making you second guess him at all, you don't need to be there. 

if he can't love you like you deserve to be loved, you should not be there. 

be real with yourself in 2009. 

Statistics....

...sucks!

I'm sitting in the math lab trying to finish up this homework by Saturday. I can't use my math program on my raggedy mac so I have to either print my work out and do it by hand, without the help, or stay at school all late to finish it. So since I have nothing to do, I'm gonna stay here and at least finish one section.

I overslept today and missed my first class. I really would've gotten up, but I was dead. I didn't think it was safe to drive to class as loopy as I was.

Not much else going on in the world of Brittany, school is winding down so I need to really get focused. I need AT LEAST all B's to boost my GPA. If I get all A's in summer school, I will really be straight.

I just have to actually do it. This will be a STUDY STUDY STUDY weekend.

My new project is studying for the GRE exam. I need to take this like once, get at least 1000 and be done. That test is 140 dollars! That's my car note!

I've been on a DeBarge kick lately, here's a video I found....This is from Motown 25 back in 83. Three years before I was born. I stan for James DeBarge, the one with the white shirt and black pants! And El. I wish they would get it together!

More later!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tfoK8uzfKkQ

What I like about "M"

So me and "M" are getting things together. We finally figured out what was wrong with the relationship.  Both of us weren't clear about what we wanted from the other person. When we talked about what we expected from each other since he's gone I know I felt a lot better about the long distance relationship. But I still miss him....He got it set up so he can call me from his computer now. I was so not expecting that phone call, I smiled like a little girl while I was talking to him. E-mails and Facebook are so not the business.

One thing I can't stand is a dude who constantly brags. I like to hear good news from my friends but some of them take it to the extreme. Especially when they put it on Facebook or Myspace. 

When you put your business on the internet like that, and brag about your "stacks" in the mattress all you're doing is setting yourself up for a 211 in my book. Especially these lames in this city. That's what I like about "M". He's used to working hard and having things, but he doesn't talk about it 24/7. He just tries to give back and do things to make this world a better place. 

I have got to get out of this fishbowl called LOUISVILLE! Niggas here think making 12 dollars an hour is enough to live off of forever. I'm not knocking anyones hustle, but reach higher! 12 dollars an hour isn't enough for me now and I'm single with no kids. It's hard to pay a car note, save, pay for school, gas and other necessary things.

I guess my point is to never settle. NEVER SETTLE. 

Get a life.

So the Louisville Cardinals lost in the Elite Eight today. I'm a Kentucky fan so normally I don't like to see Louisville do well. But they played a damn good season so I had to give them props. 

What's killing me is the face that niggas want to be all hostile just because a damn basketball team lost. I've heard of people actually fist fighting over a damn game. College educated MEN fighting over a game. 

Like, are you serious?

Do you think any of those players would fight for you? Hell to the no! They are already planning their next move and your dumb ass is sitting in jail over a game.

And don't get me started about how UK is a racist team and no black person should like them. I've heard from so many people, many of whom have never stepped foot on a college campus, that "UK is a racist school, don't cheer for them" "They don't admit blacks" and bullshit like that. 

Bullshit.

In all honesty, 99% of predominantly WHITE schools have some kind of a racist background, including U of L. So all of the crap I hear about why I shouldn't cheer for a damn sports team is irrelevant to me. I get sick of hearing that UK doesn't admit blacks. I know a slew of them that attended and GRADUATED from the school. People my age and older. This is what I wanna know about the people who bitch and moan about its admission policy.

Did you apply? Did you get rejected? Did you ever think that it was because you are not QUALIFIED? Did you even graduate from high school? Tell us why you're really mad!? 

I cheer for a sports team. Not for school admission practices. I wish people were as passionate about uplifting these kids out here as they are about basketball. People can talk about how fucked up it is out here, but half the people I hear talk about it, don't do shit. You can talk all day about how blacks need to step it up and do better, but what part are you going to play in that? You say you don't know any black professionals, well clean yourself up and get out here and meet some. Expand your horizons a bit. If you're intimidated, figure out what the problem is, work on it and meet some people. My mother went to a college that has a long racist history (Ole Miss) and she still managed to make valuable contacts and she does not dwell on the things she went through. And this was in the mid-80's. She saw Klan rallies like we see pep rallies. 

Me and a few of my friends are in the planning/fund raising stages of putting together a local mentoring group for teenage girls and eventually boys that will allow us to draw on personal experiences in order to help them not make the same mistakes as we did. We plan on pulling in prominent members of our community to help us achieve our goals. So forgive me if I have to laugh at the time people waste bringing up old shit. This is what I care about:

I care about the young woman who was killed in broad daylight last week.

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=200990324032

I care about the 17 year old who was killed last week.

http://www.courier-journal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2009903260400

I care about the kids who can't walk to the store around here anymore without seeing drug transactions. I care about the kids who have dope fiend mothers who don't give a shit. I care about the kids who can't get a good education because the schools are crap here.  I care about 14 year old girls searching for love getting pregnant and AIDS and shit from these nasty ass GROWN men. I care about the fact that kids are out here killing kids. 

So forgive me for not giving TWO FUCKS about a damn basketball team's racist past. Or the fact that Adolph Rupp was a racist and I shouldn't like UK because of a man who has been dead damn near 40 years! I can't dwell on the past, I'm fighting the battle for our future, while remembering the past. 

The shit does not affect my cash flow, my education or my family. With that being said...

Get a damn life!!

20somethingness

Since I'm a college student I am surrounded by all types of men who are working towards the same goals that I strive for. I love seeing men get their study on and handle business and whatever but for some reason...

Some of them turn me off. 

It seems like all of the so called "decent" guys are corny as hell. 

I went on a date with a guy from school and I was just like ugh. It's hard to explain. Why can't I find a guy like me. From the hood, and wants to do better. I don't like all the posing that some of these guys try to do. Just because you are in school and doing well, you don't have to dress a certain way.

I like an authentic man. One who does him. One who does not let what he does define him. I need a little hood *i hate this word* swagger to him. I can't deal with a man who can't relate to me. 

Finding what I want is like finding a needle in a haystack!

Job # 16

So I'm 22 and I have had 15 jobs in the past 7.5 years. I know it sounds bad, but I worked most of the simultaneously. I'm currently looking for job # 16.

Normally I can apply somewhere and get a call back in less than a week. I've been applying for almost a month now, doing follow up calls and everything. No luck. the recession has finally affected Britt. I have pretty much depleted my savings because of school costs, and car emergencies so I'm assed out.

I can't complain, I have a decent job @ the bank, but it's only three days a week and 6 hours a day. And even though I get paid a nice hourly rate for the shit I don't do, I need more. Summer school will be damn near 2 stacks. I need my breaks fixed on the grand prix. I need to buy some summer clothes since my fat ass will clearly not be able to fit into my 10's and 12's this year. I NEED TO MOVE OUT!  I HATE being (almost) dependent on my mother. I know she loves it because she has (a little) control over me but this shit is NOT cool. I haven't had to ask her for much since I was 15. It kills me to ask her for a little gas money when times get hard.

I'm blessed that I have a mother who can give sometimes because some people aren't so fortunate. She hasn't always had it to give. We used to be homeless when I was in 6th grade. We lived in the hospital that she worked in. She still works there. When I was younger i didn't think about it but I'm sure it killed her to wake up and be in the same place that she worked day after day. We did that from October 1997 to April 1998. On payday we stayed at a hotel for a week, then we went back to the hospital for a week. I went to school with wrinkled clothes, messed up hair. I used to be so tired. I damn near failed. But she got a big raise and my uncle and her combined their tax money for rent and a deposit on an apartment. And we never looked back.

I got sidetracked....

But I need a freakin job! Something flexible because I have to take 18 credit hours the next two semesters. Help!

I Like It!

So I said I was gonna blog today so I am. 

I have worked like 15 jobs in 7 years so I think I am going to make a list of things I've learned/or found out about people from them. Here goes.

10. Cake decorating will give you carpal tunnel and a fat belly. Trust.

9. Kids are crazy and so are their parents. 

8. Working at starbucks will make you fat. 

7. Working at Kroger will make you miserable.

6. Working at a bank will make you even more miserable.

5. Getting chased out of the bathroom by three studs is not a good way to start a job.

4. You can see celebrities at starbucks during the derby. Carson Daly is kinda hot.

3. People will send you death threats if you don't process their checks lol.

2. Cake decorating is fun and I really should go back to it.

1. SIGN YOUR DAMN CHECKS PEOPLE! I am the end all, be all in the check processing department. I let nothing past me.

More later.

12:39 AM

so i'm really gonna post tomorrow. seriously. right now i'm gonna get in bed and watch hav plenty. night.

IDK

I've been slackin, but no one reads this so oh well. Anyway, I have been crazy busy with school and work. I am so so tired ;-)

Things with old dude are falling off, I haven't seen him in a month which is ok, but he hasn't called in two weeks. No facebook note, no nothing. I told him about how he makes me feel unimportant, but things haven't gotten better. I'm not sweating it. I can do so much better. I'm not putting up with the things that I have been letting slide for the past few years. It's all about me. I'm worth more. I think I deserve a phone call, or a little message if you can't call because you are out of the country. You could at least send a letter!! So whatever.

I do want to explore things with my best male friend. I really care for him, and I love him with all my heart, but am I feeling this way because I've been rejected by someone else? I don't want him to be the rebound so I'm gonna give it time. I would hate to ruin a 7 year friendship because I'm not emotionally ready. 

I'm scared to take the GRE! Seriously.

More later...

New EVERYTHING

My bad for the lack of posts. I needed time AWAY from the computer over my holiday break. But school is back in session, so I can return to my regularly scheduled blogging. 

So school was a mess this semester. I had a breakdown at the end of the semester due to everything just crashing down on me at once. I took some time to really think about what I wanted to do, and I found out a few things about myself in the process. I kind of needed the breakdown. It made me really think about what's important in life. 

My love life is still so-so. I still talk to the same guy, but he's never in town so we really aren't connecting. I guess if we had a stronger bond in the first place things would be easier. I'm praying over it. I'm excited to see my boo Lloyd on Valentine's Day! Yay!! Such a cutie.

I still have my "radio" crush...how I wish I could be in the same place as him again. 

I'm really into personal growth for the 09. Last year it was about making moves with school. Now it's about making moves with Brittany. 

More later....My PRESIDENT IS BLACK!!!!